Louise & the Magpie
Dear Mr. Rob Story, The Watch columnist of the spanking new column Dropping In,
It was with escalating interest that I read your new column entitled “To Kill a Magpie” in last week’s edition of The Watch. Your struggles with the squawking crazed beast, in the form of a Magpie that you so affectionately referred to as Trumpbird, sounded very alarming and I write to offer my services to protect you and your home from further insult and danger.
I do hope that Trumpbird does not return (and Pet Column readers please note that in his struggles with the taunting and deranged bird Rob did not violate any Town ordinances and fully complied with the Internet Center for Wildlife Damage Management) but he also sounds like the sort of fellow that might rub feathers with the wrong flock and I fear your troubles have not fully flown to the wayside. But lay down your lemon juice filled super soaker, I am here to help.
Let me introduce myself. My name is Louise, (and yes I have a sidekick named Thelma). I am a beautiful, kind spirited and homeless Calico here at Second Chance Humane Society. Although I am only 9 months young my earlier life misfortunes required I become street smart and knowledgeable on how to deter pests and other lurking danger.
Although Trumpbird sounds like a challenging adversary I can assure you I am up for the task. I will warn you that my intent is not solely to be a working cat as I have no interest in living on my own outside any longer. I would certainly need lots of attention and affection from you and a place on your lap while you write your column.
We recently had a guy visit the shelter stating he wanted to adopt a cat “as a good antidote to the more intense elements of masculinity”. I found that to be an interesting perspective. I hope I don’t sound too pushy or assumptive on this but I really think someone like me could provide such a balance to your life (as all good pets do to their people). Ok, I’ll just say it…Rob, I think you should adopt me.
I will admit I need you as well. I need a home to rest my head upon and a person to rest my heart upon. I envision a year or two into our lives together, when asked how I knew I’d met the right person, I’ll be able to say, “he just gets me”…
So I don’t burn an entire Pet Column on just you and me, I would like to submit an addendum that, if you don’t feel the same way, I hope someone else out there reading this Pet Column will pick up what I am throwing down.
Ok, back to Trumpbird…I know you postulated that the sudden absence of he and his menacing ways was the result of the laws of nature but I have a strong suspicion he is only temporarily offering you respite while he gathers... friends. Therefore I am going to recommend that you also adopt my canine friend Winter. Winter is a handsome and awesome young husky mix who would love living in Telluride with us to partner in the task of keeping your deck free of Magpie splotchy droppings. He too is looking to bond at the emotional level as well.
We look forward to meeting you...or someone like you…
Second Chance Humane Society Animal Resource Center and Thrift Shops service San Miguel, Ouray & Montrose Counties. Call the SCHS Helpline at 626-2273 to report a lost pet, learn about adopting a homeless pet, or about the SCHS Spay/Neuter, Volunteer, Feral Cat, or other Programs. View our shelter pets and services online: www.adoptmountainpets.org.