Dear Pet Column, I know this column is typically read by pet parents but I am hoping you will share the attached to a different audience – my pets…
Dear Pets, The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. Although I am very sorry about this, do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try turning the knob, or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
To be fair, despite the challenges described above, I prefer you to children because you:
- eat less,
- don't ask for money all the time,
- are easier to train, (well, mostly)
- normally come when called,
- never ask to drive the car,
- don't bring suspicious looking friends home,
- don't smoke or drink,
- don't want to wear my clothes,
- don't have to buy the latest fashions,
- don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
- are spay/neutered and won’t make me raise your offspring too.
If the latter half of this letter encourages people to trade in their children for pets I would highly recommend Second Chance’s Zeus. Here is a quick note from him: Although I look like just a big headed lug of a dog I am a quiet, loyal, stoic boy who loves all people and dogs. I have been failed by love on multiple occasions (this is my third time here at Second Chance (due to human circumstances and not mine) and am hopeful that my fourth chance will be my true love. I am only three years young and looking for a love of a lifetime…